


The New Kid

by coplins



Series: Volatile Chemistry 'Verse [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/F, First Kiss, First Meetings, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Pining, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2019-01-07 21:44:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12241200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coplins/pseuds/coplins
Summary: There's a new kid in Jessica and Noah's school, and he stands out like a raven in a flock of white doves.





	1. Rockstar

**Author's Note:**

> This story centers around The Depraved, and the original characters from that part of the Volatile Chemistry'verse. If you haven't read The Depraved I doubt this fic will be of any interest to you. The only Supernatural related character in here is Jessica Moore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters - first meeting is the first chapter. The second chapter is horrible, horrible heartbreak. If you don't feel like getting your heart ripped out of your chest and stomped upon, don't read the second chapter.

* * *

**Pine Glen, WA, United States, Spring 2014**

He stands out like a beacon in the dark. Black baggy pants with a chain looping from belt to pocket, red shirt with black sashes, sleeves rolled up to reveal a tattooed arm, dark hair with a purple streak, purple eyes the same colour (lenses? ‘S got to be, right?) and God damned _piercings_. A line of kohl under his eyes to make them pop, lips perfect and plush like a girl. He looks like he’s stepped straight out of a TV show. A rockstar. A rebel. Like no one had ever looked here in Pine Glen. He carries his chin high, saunters with an air of arrogance and confidence. 

Noah eyes him curiously when he comes walking down the corridor towards Noah and his friends. Their eyes meet and suddenly Noah’s mouth goes dry, heart rate spiking and stomach dropping like on a roller coaster.

The strange boy averts his gaze and passes by without a word.

Noah turns his head to track him, but the boy doesn’t look back. He’s not very tall, but has broad shoulders, and judging by how his shirt clings to his body, he’s an athlete, despite looking like… like… yeah. Like a rockstar.

The weird rush lingers. (What was that anyway? Fear? That’s absurd. It’s just a guy. Weird, yeah, but still. He’s seen strange people before. Not _here_. But he’s seen them. He better get this odd reaction under control if he ever sees the guy again...) 

“Holy shit! Did you see that guy? Fucking freak!” Joseph exclaims when the guy’s out of earshot.

Noah’s hand lashes out to slap him lightly on the arm. “Hey! You don’t know him. Give him a break.”

“I don’t _have to_ know him, I’ve got _eyes_ ,” Joseph retorts. “Guy’s a psycho, anyone can see that.” 

“I thought he was kinda hot,” Brandy says. “I might let him take my virginity.”

“You’re just saying that because you wanna piss off your boyfriend. Save it. He’s not here,” Maya counters.

“I saw him at church yesterday. He wasn’t wearing any piercings then,” Danny informs them.

“They let devil worshippers into church nowadays? Oy vey. What’s the world coming to?” Joseph jokes, getting a few laughs out of the group.

Noah turns around, but the guy’s already turned the corner. He wonders who he is, and ponders the topic all the way from the lockers to homeroom while he talks with his friends. When he steps inside the classroom he almost freezes. He’s _there_. Sitting in the back, observing those who enter. Noah’s heart takes another nervous jump. Not wanting to be rude and stare, he sits down and pretends he didn’t really notice the newcomer. He gets Brandy. The face of the strange kid is _perfect_. Dark and mysterious with lips like a doll, eyebrows perfect wings. All topped off with that athlete body. Jesus, but they don’t make guys like this around here.

Noah turns around in his seat, unable to resist taking another look.

The stranger meets his gaze, cocks his head a bit to the side, smirks lopsidedly, and winks.

Noah’s heart flutters, belly flopping, cheeks heating up.

Confused and a little unsettled, he averts his gaze, swallows, and wonders why his mouth suddenly has gone dry. Is it fear? It doesn’t feel like fear. He can’t figure out why he’s reacting like this.

Over the course of the day, their eyes meet a number of times, but now the guy just looks back at him.

Like every new kid ever, he’s forced to come forth to introduce himself and tell them a little bit about himself. His name is Justin. He just moved here with his parents. He’s lived all over. He’s a swimmer. 

Justin’s one part asshole, one part provocative shit, and three parts awesome. He’s extremely smart and knowledgeable. No matter how bored and uninterested he _seems_ during a lesson, anytime a teacher tries to nail him by asking questions, he answers correctly. He gets straight A’s on nearly every test. Teachers dread when he raises his hand to ask questions, because he questions their teachings with well-thought-out arguments based on facts. He won’t stand for bullshit. He’s sarcastic and funny. Maybe he’s one of those over-intelligent kids who turn rebellious when they’re under-stimulated? Noah would really like to get to know him.

Justin is, however, completely unapproachable.

In class, when Noah tries to talk to him, he’ll go ‘What do you want, choir boy?’, lift an eyebrow and flip out his tongue piercing to rest between his plush doll-lips. There’s a big fucking wall all around him. Noah gets put off by being called ‘choir boy’ like it’s a slur. Who wouldn’t be?

But he tries anyway.

He understands the wall. Noah’s friends reacted like most people here. Justin’s constantly harassed. Getting stuff like ‘devil worshipper’ yelled at him in the corridors. Or ‘fag’. When Joseph calls Justin a fag, Noah elbows him in the solar plexus. “That’s enough, Joseph. That’s a fucking serious accusation to make. I don’t want you calling him fag ever again, unless you catch him going at it with a guy, okay?”

Joseph’s bend over, holding his solar plexus. He looks up and scowls at Noah. “Jesus fuck. Will you just _chill_?”

“No. Just because someone looks weird there’s no reason to bully them. Justin’s never done anything to anyone of us.” Yeah. He won’t back down on this. Justin’s in his class, which automatically put them on the same ‘team’. He deserves to be respected unless he himself acts like an ass.

“Noah’s right. Just leave the guy alone,” David agrees, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Alright, _alright_ ,” Joseph mutters, straightening up when no sympathy is forthcoming. “Hey, you guys coming to Miranda’s party on Friday?” he asks instead, declaring the argument over.

Noah throws a look down the corridor where Justin’s by his locker. It seems Justin hadn’t noticed either the slur thrown his way by Joseph, nor Noah’s defence of him. He’s disappointed, then immediately annoyed at himself for being disappointed. He didn’t defend Justin solely to get his attention. You just don’t go around saying that people are sodomites all willy-nilly. We’re talking about a real human being here, with feelings. And it’s a very foul accusation to make. 

But he sure would have liked it if Justin had seen. Maybe then he wouldn’t be so standoffish.

He looks back at Joseph. “Yeah. I’m going. Jessi too. You know if Maya’s going?”

Joseph shakes his head. “Nah, man. Don’t know. But it wouldn’t surprise me. How ‘bout you, David?”

“We’ll see. Depends on whether I’ve got to work overtime or not.”

They continue the conversation as they walk towards the lunch room. Jessi and a couple of others join them on the way and the conversation carries on. After they’ve eaten, Noah extracts himself from the group. He hurries to his locker to get a cigarette from his pack, then goes outside to smoke behind the school building, out of sight from Jessi (and teachers. But mostly Jessi). He rounds a corner outside just to find a ring of kids shouting, declaring a fight going on. His pulse racks up and he runs over to see what’s happening. He drops his unlit cig while pushing people out of the way. _Justin_. 

He can’t explain the rage that comes over him. Three guys are fighting Justin. (Frank, Pete, Murray, Noah registers quickly.) Murray is down on all fours, holding his hand over mouth and nose, blood between his fingers. Pete, sporting a swelling black eye, has Justin locked from behind, holding him for Frank, who’s pulling his arm back to throw a punch. Justin looks anything but subdued. He uses Pete’s hold to kick both his legs straight out, hitting Frank right in the chest, sending him flying backwards towards the ring of people. The people just push Frank right back in again. Noah doesn’t think. He throws himself straight into the fray, aiming for Pete. He grabs a hold of Pete’s arm and yanks him towards himself. It’s enough to dislodge Pete’s grip on Justin, and Pete instantly swings. He hits Noah on the chest, Noah’s fist taking him in the gut pretty much at the same time. Pete starts folding over and Noah rams his forehead into his face.

Pete falls over and scrambles out of the way. Noah hardly notices, focusing on Frank and Justin throwing punches at each other. Noah steps up close to get Frank away and has to duck under Justin’s fist at the same time as he elbows Frank in the face. “Woah, dude, I’m with you,” Noah declares hastily when Justin looks like he's about trying to hit him again. Justin grimaces and kicks out. Noah flinches. The kick brushes his side and hits Frank behind him, sending him flying back again.

Justin steps backwards, eyes darting around then holds up his hands. 

Noah spins around to see that all three of the assailants are trying to get back on their feet, but showing no inclination to want to attack again. Adrenaline’s still rushing in his veins. He points at two girls and a boy in the ring of spectators. “You. Get Frank, Pete, and Murray to the nurse.” He turns to Frank, Pete, and Murray. “You! We’re going to talk about this later!” Then he directs himself to the ring of students again. “You should all be _ashamed_ of yourself! This is _not_ the Christian thing to do! I won’t stand for this kind of bullying in our school! We’re better than this! Now get the hell away from here!”

People start dispersing quickly when the ire is directed their way and the fight is over. Noah goes over to Pete and offers him a hand. “You okay? You look like shit.”

Pete looks up, one eye swelled completely shut, nose a bloody mess just like Murray’s. “You care?” he challenges, but nevertheless lets Noah help him up.

“Not if that’s your attitude. Get yourself to the nurse and I’ll come find you later, talk it out.”

Pete smiles humorlessly and grimaces when the action hurts. “Yeah, yeah. Fuck you, Rainsborough. Catch you later.” There’s only sullenness in the answer, no vehemence. He and Pete have had bible study together and share a few classes. They’re not friends as such, but they get along. Very much because both of them are good at moving on from a disagreement.

Pete starts limping away. Murray and Frank are already being helped away too by the girls Noah had ordered to help out. Noah turns back to find Justin watching him. He’s breathing in exertion, but stands at ease, hands in his pocket. “You alright, Justin? Do you need to go to the nurse’s office too?” He looks roughed up, but not as badly as the other three.

Justin shakes his head and keeps watching him with an unreadable expression. 

“Good. We should get ourselves to the Principal’s office.”

“Hey, I just defended myself. They jumped me,” Justin protests.

Noah rolls his eyes. “I _know_ that. I’m not dumb. But that’s exactly why we should go talk to her. Three guys jumping one, is _not_ oka― _shit_.” Noah spots the cigarette he dropped, trampled and ruined on the ground. He knows that if he doesn’t keep doing something, keeping his mind in motion, he’ll start getting the shakes. His mind will conjure up such awful images of how it could have gone. He’ll probably have nightmares with lots of blood tonight too. He hates that he’s so sensitive. He doesn’t want to be a friggin crybaby. “All I wanted was a fucking cigarette before recess was over,” he mutters. A cig would have gone a long way to calm him down right now.

Justin follows his gaze down to the trampled cigarette. “You can bum one from me.” Noah looks up to find the other boy holding out an open packet towards him with an amused, sly little smirk. Justin gives the pack a little rattle, ‘ _here, kitty, kitty_ ’-fashion. “I’ll follow you to the principal after we’ve smoked?” he coaxes when Noah doesn’t react straight away.

“Alright. Thanks. But we need to go around the corner. Can’t smoke here.” 

“What? Don’t want to be seen with the freak?” Justin asks, lifting an eyebrow, managing to look both amused and faintly disgusted at once.

Noah frowns in annoyance. “No, asshole. I don’t want my sister to catch me smoking.” It’s a bit hurtful that Justin thinks that about him. That he’d be like the others. “I have to listen to endless rants about the dangers of smoking if she does.”

Justin chuckles. “Alright. Come on.” He takes two steps forward, grabs Noah by the shirtsleeve and starts pulling him along. Noah goes with it. His heart's still racing after the fight. Anything that can keep him distracted until he’s calmed down is good. It’s hard when the shakes hit amongst people. He doesn’t handle violence well.

They stop behind some bushes around the corner, and Justin holds out the pack, offering him a cig again. Noah takes it. Justin lights it for him and lights one for himself. “Thanks.”

“So what are you? Some school police, or some shit?” Justin asks, blowing out smoke.

“No,” Noah answers grumpily, feeling accused.

“So why’d you help me?”

“It’s the Christian thing to do.”

Justin snorts skeptically. “If that’s so, then you’re the only Christian around. That was some brave shit. Jumping into the fray like that. Sorry I nearly clocked you. I thought you were helping them.”

Pride and embarrassment flare in his chest. He doesn’t feel brave. He hadn’t thought further than that the fight had to be stopped. And then there was that uncharacteristic anger he’d felt. Rage coming from out of nowhere. Maybe it made sense. They were three to one. Must have been the reason. “It’s cool. You didn’t, and you were in a middle of a fight. Adrenaline and all that. Where did you learn to fight that way? You coulda done without my help.”

“When you stand out too much, people are dicks.”

“So why do you look like that? Like a―“

“Freak?”

“I was gonna say rockstar, but whatever. If freak is what you’re aiming for, have it your way,” Noah snipes. 

Justin laughs, all carefree and dimpled. “No. I like your version better. I like how I look. I look good like this. Don’t you agree?” he teases. His eyes are narrowed by his smile, looking downright catty.

Noah sucks on his cigarette, taking the opportunity to give the boy a good, long once over. Today the streak in his hair is aquamarine, so are his eyes. It’s the first time he’s gotten to see the tattoo up close. He can only see part of it, the part from the elbow and down. It’s got cool, Christian motifs. He _does_ look good. Really good. It seems inappropriate to tell him that, though. Maybe Justin will think he’s a fag if he does. “Can I see your tattoo?” he asks instead.

Justin studies him for a beat, then hands him his cig. “Sure. Hold this.” Without qualms, Justin tugs his shirt over his head.

Noah’s throat is suddenly dry. He doesn’t get why. He sees shirtless guys all the time. Justin’s body is truly one of an athlete, chiselled. _Perfect_. The tattoo sleeve continues over his shoulder and down on his pec, like one of those armour pieces of gladiators. The artistry is spectacular, flattering the muscles below, and all motifs are Christian. One of his nipples is pierced. Noah wants to touch it. His cheeks heat up. It’s a foreign impulse to have. Maybe it’s just because of how odd Justin is. There’s a slight, chilly breeze, and Justin’s skin prickles. Noah looks away, feeling hot and as if his skin is too tight. It’s probably just the adrenaline and the fight. He can’t stand the sight of blood. He gets weird after violent encounters. That’s probably it. He’s too sensitive. Besides, he could see red marks, bruises, starting to form on Justin’s torso. “It’s beautiful. But put that shirt on before you get a cold,” he says without looking at Justin with his doll-like face and perfect torso. He can hear the * _brrt, brrt, brrt_ * sound the tongue piercing makes, being dragged against the inside of Justin’s teeth. Then Justin finally puts his shirt back on so he dares to look at him again. He hands Justin his cigarette and takes a deep drag on his own. “Did it hurt?”

“Did what hurt?”

Noah darts his tongue out quickly to demonstrate.

“You mean this?” Justin asks and steps closer while sticking his tongue out, wiggling the tip a bit. Noah leans in to look at the barbell before he can stop himself. He can see where the metal goes into the flesh. The rounded tip glints wetly against the strawberry pink tongue. Suddenly he feels hot all over again and has to back up a few steps, averting his gaze. Maybe this reaction is just fear of being mistaken for a faggot. Makes sense. Why else would his heart be racing? 

“I’ve heard it’s bad for the teeth,” Noah offers and looks curiously at Justin while taking another hit on his cig.

“Yeah, that’s a main concern of mine,” Justin jokes dryly with a smirk. They both snicker and lock gaze. Noah can’t say what it is, but there’s something about Justin. He wants to get to know him, now more than ever. He’s pretty and wild and rebellious and smart. There’s something there. Something tangible and perhaps forbidden. Noah wants to know what it is.

When they’ve finally finished their cigarettes and turned the corner, walking back to the entrance, Jessi comes running. “Noe! There you are! I’ve been looking all over for y― wait. Do I smell smoke? Have you been smoking?” Jessi gears up for a lecture but Justin who’d been walking a step behind him steps up to his side and puts a hand on his shoulder.

“No, he hasn’t. ‘Fraid I’m to blame here, miss. There was a fight, and I made a deal with Noah that I’d allow him to lead me like a lamb to slaughter, to the principal, if he just kept me company while I smoked,” Justin lies with a lopsided smile.

Jessi looks surprised. “Oh. Okay, then.” She smiles, suddenly all charm, and sticks her hand out. “I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. Hi, I’m Jessi, Noah’s sister.”

Justin takes her hand and shakes it. “Justin.”

“I’ll follow you to the principal. The next lesson is so boring that any excuse to miss part of it is good in my book. We’re…” Jessi launches into exuberant chatter and turns to lead the way. Behind her back, Justin flicks his barbell out to rest between his lips, smirks and makes a fist that he holds out towards Noah while side-eying him with his aquamarine, catty eyes. Noah bumps his fist with his own. On the inside, he thrills with pleasant discomfort…

* * *

It will take almost a year before Noah figures out why he’s so hung up on Justin, or Juss, as they’ve begun to call him. By then he’s started to think of Juss as his brother. The vastness of the love he feels for Justin demanded nothing less. He’d sailed right up there amongst the rest of his family - even bypassing Nana and Gramps with how much he’d come to mean to Noah. The word ‘friend’ isn’t big enough. One night, a few days before Christmas when they’re all drunk - he, Jessi, and Justin, hanging out in Noah’s room, Jessi dares Juss to kiss him, and that’s when it all changes. That’s when he gets it.

* * *


	2. The One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jess dares Juss to kiss Noah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be resolved eventually in The Depraved. It's hurt/no fucking comfort here, though, since we stop time soon after it happens. Okay? But time keeps ticking. Things change.
> 
> Just keep in mind that if you read this chapter, there will be heartbreak.
> 
> I take for granted that anyone reading this has read the Depraved. If not, this chapter is Noah's POV of [chapter 40.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4032760/chapters/18298915) I honestly have no idea if this works without reading its parent-story.

* * *

**December 18th - 22nd, 2014**

“Come on, Justie. _Do it_ ,” Jessi urges, giggling where she lies on her stomach on Noah’s bed, holding herself up on her elbows, grip on the almost empty Southern Comfort bottleneck, resting her chin on it. The three of them are pretty drunk on Southern Comfort and Bailey’s. 

Noah looks between his sister and Juss. She has the impish look on her face that means she’s up to no good. Noah’s standing leaned against the wall, hands behind his back, legs spread to a V. Juss sits by Noah’s desk, lips twitching, trying to hold back a smirk. His eyes sparkle with mischief. He looks between Noah and Jessi, seeming to try to decide whether to do ‘it’ or not. Whatever ‘it’ is.

Juss rises from the chair, swaying a little, then remains standing, hesitating. It makes Noah nervous. Why would Juss hesitate to do _anything_? He’s so fucking brave. There’s practically nothing he’s too chickenshit to do. Not like Noah, who’s got fear clawing inside his ribcage more often than not.

“Come on, Justie,” Jessi urges again. “What are you waiting for?”

“What? What’s he gonna do?” Noah asks, wearing a curious, bemused frown. Jessi giggles again and gives him one of her sly ‘ _You’ll see_ ’-smirks that usually means she’s about to prank him or make a fool out of him one way or another. He loves his sister to bits, but she’s a menace. His heart starts beating faster and he turns his head to look at Juss instead.

Justin smirks at him, raising an eyebrow teasingly. Noah looks from him to Jess and back, worry starting to crawl in his belly, making it hard to keep the smile on his face. “Who, me?” Juss says and puts a hand to his chest mock-innocently.

“Yeah, you, asshat. What are you up to?” Noah sniggers, trying to hide how nervous he’s getting. They’re definitely up to no good. If nothing else, Jessi’s continued giggling is a dead giveaway. 

Juss saunters up to Noah with a sly smile and head cocked, puts his hands on the wall on either side of Noah’s shoulders to box him in, and leers. “I lost a bet to Jess,” he purrs, leaning a bit closer, while Jessi titters excitedly behind him. 

Noah’s eyes widen, smile falling off his face. He presses himself back against the wall. His heart beats wildly. Juss isn’t supposed to look at him like this. This isn’t brotherly, this is how Juss would stand when he’s chatting up a girl. Granted, he’s prayed about the topic of homosexuality and God _did_ answer that it’s a forgivable sin. Noah's hardly free of sin. He does drugs. He drinks. He lies. He hates lying, but sometimes the repercussions of honesty scare him too much to tell the truth. The way Juss is looking at him now, is sinful, forcing him to _see_ Juss in the same sinful light. 

“So I’m going to kiss you,” Juss declares cockily, perfect doll-lips pulled up in a lopsided, dimpled smirk, frost green eyes, even more beautified by makeup, unyieldingly locked on his, the _brrt-brrt-brrt_ sound of his tongue piercing dragged against his teeth.

“Um. No, you’re not,” Noah says, swallowing, fear clawing in his gut, heart racing, mind racing. It’s a forgivable sin. It’s a forgivable sin. It’s a forgivable sin. It’s a forgivable sin. A lifetime of ‘knowing’ what Juss suggests is a sin, right up there with murder, makes the internal reaction one of fear. He’s not brave like Justin. He’s afraid. What if he’s really delusional like some say? What if his prayers have been answered by Satan instead of God, and now he’s being led astray? No. His heart and soul tells him it’s God. It’s a forgivable sin. ...But what if it’s not?

He _likes_ kissing. No. He _loves_ it. It’s more than just the sensation of mouths and tongues to him. Sometimes, with some people, it’s much more than that. It’s so intimate, like they let him touch their soul. It’s probably stupid. It’s probably just that he relaxes and lets himself forget about everything except for the girl he’s kissing, getting swept up in the physical sensation of it to a degree that the rest of the world falls away. Nothing to do with touching souls at all. 

He’s just starting to come to terms with the possibility―no, reality―of there being queer people living in Pine Glen. That they’re ordinary people. He’s never ever considered kissing a guy. Justin seems completely unbothered by the prospect, bet or no bet. Does that mean he’s gay? No. It can’t. There’s no way Juss has faked his interest in girls. He lives in San Francisco bay area now. It’s openminded. And Noah knows for a fact that he’s slept with loads of girls back there. He doesn’t need to hide there, like here. That ought to mean he’s bi. _Oh my fucking God, Juss is bi!_ Or is he? What does it mean? Does it even matter?

“Yes, I am. And there’s nothing you can do about it,” Juss declares, coming closer still, piercings glinting in the lamplight.

_No._ He can’t believe it. He refuses to believe Juss would force him. That’s not Juss. His brother would never do that to him. He feels like a trapped animal, panic rising.

“It’s just a kiss. Tomorrow we’ll forget all about it. It’s no biggie,” Justin says offhandedly, trying to soothe him. It’s not working. Juss is going to force him to do this which freaks him out more than the prospect of actually kissing a guy does. It’s a betrayal too big. Noah shakes his head in denial. He presses himself harder towards the wall but can’t get away. He’s breathing so heavily in panic that their chests brush with every frightened lungful of air. His lips press into a thin line, as if that could stop it. 

“ _Come ooon,_ ” Jessi urges through her giggles.

Noah expects nothing less from her, especially since she’s drunk. She’s compassionate and exuberant. She cares deeply about people, but she’s not introspective, she’s not good at understanding that different things are important to different people. Her world is black and white. To her, this is no big deal, and therefore, according to her, it shouldn’t be a big deal to anyone else either. But this is a big deal. This is huge. What she asks of them by telling them to do this, by making Juss _force_ this, is monumental. Justin came into their lives not even a year ago and slotted into place as if he’d grown up with them. Noah loves him like a sibling, like Jessi. He’s ‘safe’ and ‘home’ and a breath of air when Noah’s drowning. This could undo all that. Kill the trust as well as unbalance the dynamics because _you don’t kiss your brother_. Adopted or not, you just don’t. Justin’s about to betray him in a way Noah’s not sure if he can live down.

Justin’s cocky-flirty demeanour wavers, eyes becoming serious for a beat. “If you duck under my arm I won’t chase after you, okay?” he whispers, low enough that Jessi won’t hear. 

_Thank God!_

Juss isn’t going to force him.

That means _everything._

Justin’s still set on doing this, he can see that, but he has an out. 

It’s a forgivable sin. 

What’s it like kissing a guy, anyway? It must be gross, right? Or maybe not? He loves Justin. Admires him. What he’s offering, is a chance to touch his soul, isn’t it? Can you get the same feeling of touching a soul when you kiss a guy? Juss gave him an out. There’s no betrayal. The trust is back. Juss would never do anything that’d hurt him. It’s a forgivable sin. 

Noah stares at him for a beat, and then, _relaxes_. His chest is still heaving but he’s not pressing himself into the wall and the fear diminishes to apprehension.

Justin licks his plush, pierced lips and goes for it, tilting his head.

Noah’s heart’s hammering so hard he can barely hear over the rush in his ears. He squeezes his eyes shut and licks his lips, feeling his cheeks firing hot from embarrassment and stress, palms sweaty. He’s doing this.

He parts his lips when he feels Justin’s soft lips on his, lets him in, kisses back, and the world―

―shifts.

It’s a million-dimensional Rubik’s cube aligning itself from one moment to another. It’s a firestorm scouring away layers of debris, laying bare something beautiful and scorching. What took them so long? They should have done this the moment they laid eyes on each other. It’s never felt like this before. So… so...

Jessi squeals excitedly in the background and Juss suddenly pulls back to stare at him with wide eyes. “Holy shit, Noe. You kiss just like y―“ He cuts himself off to just stare with a dumbstruck, awed expression.

Noah looks at him, blinking twice. Utterly bewildered. No kiss has ever felt that way. It was too short. It couldn’t have felt like that. It’s impossible. Something big happened. It felt like… like... 

This time when Justin leans in Noah’s neither screwing his eyes shut nor ducking away. Noah licks his lips and meets him halfway, lowering his eyelids, looking at his lips. He needs to know. He needs...

This.

It’s like he’s been waiting for this his whole life. He’s never felt anything like this yet it’s achingly familiar. He needs a little bit more. It isn’t enough. 

Noah moves his hands to Justin’s midriff, just resting them there. He wants to do much more than that but tries to limit himself to caressing softly with his thumbs. God. He didn’t know kissing could feel like this. It’s all-encompassing, overwhelming.

This.

It’s not enough. He needs more. Needs it. It lights a fire that never has burned so strongly, roaring loud enough to drown out the world, yet lending a calm only rivalled by God’s warm light when He answers a prayer.

Every hair on his body stands on end. No drug can beat this. It causes shivers down his spine and jubilant happiness fluttering in his belly.

Juss tastes like peace and joy and home. But not home as a physical place, but a beacon of light to steer him right when he’s drifting.

Fuck, he’s missed Justin. It’s 19 years since they were ripped apart, howling in pain from the separation, worlds, dimensions, dividing them. The mad dash to break the veil, to follow, to find him again. And what kind of fucked up thought is that anyway?

Justin’s hand is in his hair, the other burns the skin under his shirt, questing for more, razing walls of self-control like tidal waves dash sandcastles. It’s not enough. Noah’s burning up, exploding into space. He wants more. 

He tries to hold back. _Tries_. But he needs more. More of…

This.

He grips Justin’s hips and pulls them flush. God, he’s burning up, drowning all at once. Hard heats align and roar their demand for more. He wants nothing more than to give in. They’re not close enough. Too many layers of clothes, too many molecules of air separating them. One would be too many. It takes every ounce of the remnants of his fraying self-control to hold his and Justin’s hips still. He needs needs needs more. It’s a forgivable sin. No. This isn’t sin at all. This is something wonderful and awe striking.

This.

It isn’t supposed to be this way. This is not how it should have gone down. 

There’s something wrong about this. He’s not sure how he knows. Every cell in his body screams that it’s right and good and perfect in every way. Yet something’s wrong.

He wants to do things he’s promised himself only do with The One when she comes along. What kind of man would he be if he can’t hold himself in check? God, but he doesn’t want to resist this impossible, tranquil firestorm within. He wants to let it consume him. If he could slow time down to stretch infinitely so this would last forever, he would.

Just a little bit more. Closer. He could never be close enough. He needs...

“Hah! Gotcha!” Jessi exclaims triumphantly, and Noah finally gathers his wits about enough to tear himself away. It’s physically painful and his whole being protests the separation.

Jessi stands beside them, shiteating grin and eyes aglow in triumph, wiggling her cell to show that she got them on photo or video. Noah, breathing raggedly, bends his head to look at where their erections are pressed up against each other. If his sister hadn’t been here he would have thrown dignity and pride away, ignored right and wrong and pulled Juss back. Eyes glossy and feverish he looks up and locks gaze with Justin. His _brother_. He thinks they can never be brothers again. Not after this. This was too big. It feels like life will never be the same. He should never have let this happen. Juss is too beautiful. A marvel. Minty green eyes dazed and confused and fearful. Fearful and full of regret. The regret in his eyes hurts, stabs like knives. He can’t take seeing it. “Don’t do that again,” Noah says, breathless but firm.

“Yeah, no. I won’t,” Juss promises, averting his gaze to look at Jess. “Photo?”

“Vid,” she answers, delighted grin in place.

“Of course,” Juss mutters grumpily. “Let me see.”

“Touch transfer,” Jess says. Juss takes his phone from his back pocket and touches it to the back of hers, transferring the file. Noah does the same, needing to see it.

He still feels the phantom touch of Justin’s hands on his back and in his hair, like the hands never left. The taste of Justin lingers in his mouth. He never wants to lose that feeling, the taste. It’s perfect, too perfect, and he doesn’t know what it means except he can’t stand the fear and regret he’d seen in Justin’s eyes.

Juss steps further away from them, distancing himself, grabs the bottle of Bailey’s from the desk, plops himself down on the desk chair, takes a swig to erase the taste of the kiss―the taste Noah never wants to lose―and hits play. 

Noah hits play and looks at the recorded evidence of how the landscape he dwells in forever changed. It’s hot. Butterflies flap around in his belly and his erection throbs. Time stood still while they kissed, and it had felt like it was too short, not enough, but the video clip is two minutes long and doesn’t include the first part of the kiss before they dived back in. He chuckles. “Man, how long were we at it?” he says in surprise. 

The video clip is a bit shaky at first, filmed from the bed and while Jess walked towards them on unsteady legs. Her giggle plays a backdrop soundtrack, but as she got close and came to stand beside them, the microphone picked up every sticky sound and hitched and ragged breath. It’s hot. Hotter than anything he’s ever seen. Their eyes are closed, engrossed with what they’re doing, oblivious to the world. It’s _not_ ‘just’ a kiss―it’s a life-altering experience. Like taking a new drug to get hooked at first try. Jess pans down to where their hips are pressed together, bulges visible on both of them, then up again. Jesus, that’s embarrassing. And he’d let his sister see that?

“We need to erase this. It may hurt Noah’s mission if this gets out,” Juss says with a serious face, looking down on his screen.

The very idea makes something inside of Noah howl in terror. If they erase this, he might forget what it felt like. He can’t let that happen. Never never never. Justin’s right, of course. So much of the respect he has from the older generation hinges on him being the perfect Christian, _straight_ boy. He can’t preach tolerance for sodomites if he himself is one. Not yet. Not until change is well underway. But he can’t bear the thought of losing this. “No need. I stand by my actions. This gets out, I’m not cowering in shame,” Noah says with a relaxed smirk to hide his internal panic, looking at his phone.

Noah acts as if it’s no biggie, like Juss said. But it is, and he can’t stop thinking about it. That night when Juss and Jessi have gone to bed, he watches it over and over. He’s filled with that huge feeling over and over. He even jerks off to it, shame and guilt for doing so crawling all over. Distantly he wonders if Juss might be the One, but rejects the idea out of hand since the One is supposed to be a girl. Or are they…?

* * *

“ _Wake up. You’re needed._ ” Neda’s voice rips him from his dream three nights later. He expects to find Neda there, instead, he finds Justin, drunk, on his knees with his forehead rested against the wooden frame of Noah’s bed. It looks like he’s praying. “Justin? What are you doing in― You okay?” Noah’s asks with sleep rough voice and mounting distress. Justin isn’t okay. He can feel it. Neither is he for that matter. Their kiss haunts him. He wants more. Again again again. It’s all he can think about. It makes him distressed and angry at himself. As if being singled out for a mission from God isn’t bad enough. He supports himself on his elbows and looks down at Justin. The most beautiful human to ever have walked this earth, even like this - torn and mournful in the muted light coming from the orange nightlight in the socket. His eyes are bleary when he lifts his head to meet Noah’s gaze, full of defeat that breaks Noah’s heart. He isn’t wearing any makeup. No piercings or coloured lenses. It looks like he’s been crying and it kills Noah, because one way or another it’s his fault.

“I’m sorry, Noe. I shouldn’t have kissed you,” he says with a voice as wrecked as he looks.

Noah sits up fully and rubs an eye with the palm of his hand. “You still carrying that shit around?” he asks as if he too isn’t toiling under its burden.

Juss flips around to sit with his back leaned against the bedside. “You’re disappointed and angry at me. I’ve noticed. I fucked up. I’m sorry. Didn’t think it would be such a big deal.”

It’s not true. He’s not angry and disappointed at Juss. He’s angry and disappointed at himself. “Not such a big deal kissing a guy?”

Justin flips his hand over to study his nails, then begins to studiously clean imaginary dirt from underneath them with the nails of his other hand. “Not such big deal kissing my brother.”

Noah’s can’t fucking breathe. Justin’s no longer his brother since they kissed. He’s every heartbeat in Noah’s chest, every guilty daydream and every inhaled breath of life. The sentence is a stab right in the heart. He’s quiet for a long time, doesn’t trust his voice. Finally he shifts to light the lamp on his nightstand. “So why did you do it?” His voice and body don’t reflect the anguished turmoil within.

“Because Jess asked me to and I owed her.” Juss takes a deep breath. “My parents brought me here because they caught me with another guy. They told me how disgusting I was. Infected by demons and brain overtaken by Satan. Taking me back to Pine Glen was their desperate last effort to set me straight. Because, you know, love and support has never made anyone change so why bother trying?” he says bitterly. “They figured that with a whole community full of judgemental, hateful, old testament-y peeps, I would surely break and become… not me.” 

Noah swallows past the lump of guilt in his throat. Justin’s talking about people like him. He did that to Justin. How many times had Juss not have had to listen to him lecture about sodomites? There are oceans of tears begging to be let loose behind his eyelids. He can’t. Not now. That’s his guilt to bear, not Justin’s. If he cries now Justin will feel guilty.

He shifts, and pats his bed, desperately hoping Justin will come up to him. He needs him near. Wants him close. Closer than it’s possible to be. 

Justin shakes his head without looking up. “I came out to Jess as bisexual a little while before we left to college. Nervous as fuck about it. Despite all her equal rights speeches and whatnot. Ultimately, no matter how you twist and turn it, she’s from Pine Glen. I wasn’t sure she’d take it well.”

The world is shattering around Noah like a glass house raining down over him. If he’d known… “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Justin twists around to pin him with an ARE-YOU-FUCKING-STUPID? stare. He averts his gaze to look down on his lap. Mortified. Undone by shame and guilt. Insides screaming in physical pain. He’d given Justin good reason to think he wouldn’t be understanding. Very good reason to think so. It kills him. 

Justin looks back on his nails and resumes cleaning them. “She took it well.”

Noah makes a sound that marks that he’s listening, once again not trusting his voice, refusing to cry in front of Juss, unable to talk.

“Anyway, I asked Jess who she’d tell if she was lesbian or bi. She said you’d be the first one she’d tell. I thought she was mad, what with all the bullshit you were saying at the time.”

“Sorr―“

“Shut up if you want me to finish talking.”

Noah’s teeth click shut, grateful for the reprimanding tone demanding him to be quiet.

“Back in SF, me and Jess hang out all the time. We study together, party together… despite living an hour apart.” Juss takes a big breath and lets it out in a deep sigh. “Turns out Jess is full of shit. She ain’t got the balls to tell herself the truth, even less to tell you. She wanted something on you in case it got out.”

“What got out?” Noah asks, beating down the pain inside, regaining composure of his voice and posture. 

Juss digs up his phone and fiddles with it. He hits play on a movie clip and hands the phone over. Noah watches with a serious face. There’s his sister, making out with a gorgeous black haired girl, not holding back. Woman on woman without any shame. The girl pushes Jess’ jeans jacket off her shoulders and Jess kisses her way down to pull the girl’s spaghetti strap tank top down and suck a nipple into her mouth. Despite it all, arousal stirs inside of him. He thinks he should be grossed out to watch his sister do this, but the opposite is true. He could jerk off to this.

“Jess is as bisexual as I am,” Juss tells him. “Only, she refuses to admit it. According to her, she’s ‘only experimenting’, and as such, there’s no need for her to tell you. Fuck that shit. It’s easy to stand up for others. If everything goes to shit, you can distance yourself. But when it’s your own ass on the line… So she wanted me to kiss you.”

It’s bullshit alright. Jessi’s eyes are glazed with lust as she suckles the other woman’s boob like a starving infant. It’s not an experiment, it’s physical worship. The video cuts out but Noah keeps staring at the last freeze frame. “So we’d be on equal grounds,” he states. And they are. What he feels for Justin since they kissed can’t be denied.

“Yeah. I knew it was a stupid idea. I’m sorry. I’ve never had a brother. I don’t know how to act like a proper brother should. But I did know enough, that I knew it was a bad idea. You got to understand, Noe. I’m a piece of shit. I have low self-control. I’m prone to follow through with bad ideas, drunk or sober. I’ve revolted against my parents by doing all kinds of shit that I knew would come with consequences. It’s backbone reaction by now. I’ve got so many issues. I’m trash, Noe. Just a big load of trash.”

Noah’s hand comes to pet his hair briefly before he has to pull it back not to reveal how much more he wants to touch. “One man’s trash…” he says. _My treasure._ God knows he is. He’s been Noah’s treasure since they got to know each other. Not this way, like he feels right now, but still a treasure. It seems to relax Justin. A thought hits Noah. “You and Jessi ever kissed?” 

Justin twists around and grabs his phone from him, fiddles with it, and hands it back with a photo showing.

Noah looks at it. It’s a picture of Justin and Jessi kissing. It makes Noah’s heart beat faster in an ugly way. He hates his sister a little bit for this. “Ever had sex with her?”

“No. Kissing means nothing between her and me. We’ve done it, three, four times perhaps? But sex would be weird. We’re best friends, but not like that. Though, I don’t think of her as a sister. Not really. Not like with you. That’s why… it was just… it shouldn’t have happened. I need you to be my brother. Or maybe the other way around. All I know is, I fucked up. And I’m sorry.”

‘ _I need you to be my brother._ ’ Every cell in Noah’s body rebels at that. But it’s tearing Juss apart and if that’s what he needs, then that’s what Noah will give him. “You won’t do it again?” He wants desperately for Juss to give an ambiguous answer like he always does. ‘I don’t know.’ ‘I don’t think so.’ ‘I’ll try not to.’ Anything that leaves an opening for it happening again.

“No.” 

With one word, Noah’s dying. Justin killed him. He’s falling, tumbling, shattering, breaking. “Then forget about it. We’ll put it behind us. We’re cool.”

Justin relaxes with a lopsided smirk pulling up in a corner. “You’re one hell of a kisser, though. I’ve kissed many people, and you share the number one spot with another person.”

Noah chuckles breathily. “Suck up.”

Juss sniggers. “It’s true.”

“Yeah, yeah. Now go away and let me sleep,” Noah says with a smile in his voice. He needs Juss to leave so he can let go and cry. He has to go now now now because Noah can’t hold it together for much longer.

Juss turns around. “We’re good?”

“We’re good,” Noah assures him.

When Juss finally leaves Noah gets up to lock his door before he lets himself fall apart and cry.

* * *

He can’t let go. He has to bring the topic up with somebody. Mom’s no good. As supportive as she is, she has set ideas and struggles with resetting them. Neda’s an asshole. He does bring it up with Neda anyway. Asks him if he thinks you can know if someone is the One after only one kiss. Neda doesn’t answer the question. Instead he says “You know… if something’s haunting you, weighing you down. You can pray to God to lift the burden. It will go. Away. When the time is right you will remember. God will see to. That. I promise.”

The very idea of forgetting what it felt like, what he feels for Justin, terrifies him more than anything. More than death. He’d rather die than forget. He doesn’t say anything but Neda does an exasperated full-body eye roll. “You and your father. Impossible. Both of you equally foolish.” With that Neda stomps away as if he’s been personally offended.

His dad. Neda reminded him that dad has emotional wisdom beyond anyone else he knows. So Noah brings it up with him in the car, driving home from the mall. “Dad, do you think it’s possible to know you’ve found ‘the one’ just by a kiss?” he asks curiously and peers at dad, holding his breath. 

“Aside from the fact that I personally don’t believe there’s just a single right ‘one’, are we talking about kissing a stranger or someone you’ve known for a while?” dad counters, always open-minded and ready to tackle any topic.

“Does it matter? Like, what’s the difference, you think?”

Dad purses his lips in thought. “I suppose it’s possible. But kissing a stranger, you’d get a fairly good idea if you’re going to work out sexually. For me, the kissing part is very important. It’s like―“

“Souls touching,” Noah interrupts. “If they’re open to it. Some aren’t, and it’s just nice. And others have their walls down and it’s… it’s so intimate. Addicting,” Noah says with a far off expression. God, it was good even before Justin, but now…? 

Dad laughs and gives him a fond look. “Seems you’ve inherited one of my vices,” he sniggers. “But I wouldn’t know if you could tell if a stranger is the one just by kissing them. Someone you know already, and like, that’s another matter. One kiss can take it from a slow, mellow burn, to a roaring fire in just one go.”

Dad gets a faraway, haunted look on his face, staring at the road. His lips are quirked in a bittersweet smile. He knows, Noah realises. He knows the feeling. He must have been there, had that earth-shattering kiss that changes everything. Not with mom. If it had been, the heartbreak wouldn’t be written so plainly on his face. 

Noah turns to stare out the side window, biting his nail. It’s not the answer he wanted, had hoped for. He should have asked dad the day after it happened. He’d thought the One would have to be a woman. But no. No. It’s Justin. He feels it in his heart. If he hadn’t been so confused, he could have made a move before Justin came into his room and murdered him with one sentence. ‘ _I need you to be my brother._ ’

It’s too late now. If a brother is what Justin needs, then that’s what he’ll get. Noah realises he’s doomed to forever hate anyone who gets to know Justin in a biblical sense. He’ll envy every kiss and caress. But if that’s how it’ll have to be, so be it. He never wants to forget.

Justin’s The One, and he’s forever out of reach...

* * *


End file.
